I had my Superwoman bracelets on today...well figuratively speaking. I was armed with angel food cake and Fat-Free Cool whip. I had the BBQ all mapped out- I would only eat the healthier items, I would bring my own dessert and I was not going to drink! FAILED! I got there and was introduced to something called jalapeno popper dip. Yes...you heard me correct. It's made with cream cheese, sour cream, garlic and jalapenos. It's served with tortilla chips. It's like the Gods of everything fried squeezed the stuffing out of those poppers into a warming pot and the heavenly glow was a BBQ beacon that led me astray. As if it were not a big enough food sin- it was served with optional bread! WHAT? Carbs and cream cheese? I was a goner! I didn't just dip, I got a plate and inhaled! Oh us fatties know about inhaling food- we can clean our dinner plate before the skinnies have finished chewing their first bite. We try to slow down when we notice we are half way through...but it's too late. I ate that beautiful creamy goodness so fast that I had a tortilla chip go down whole, ripping my esophagus, my body begging me to chew my food...I just drank a little water until the chip softened and continued to shovel. And that was just the appetizers...
I knew I was in trouble after my second beer and the chili dog with cheese. I couldn't stop my self. I buttered my corn-on-the-cob and sunk my teeth in. Who would have thought the corn would have done me in? Maybe it was the melted butter foam or the salt I added. I was full. I knew I was full. I had the feeling that us food addicts eat to get. That internal stomach expanding, need a nap, unzip your pants and find a sweatshirt feeling I hadn't felt in months...and I knew I was about to pay the piper. The gurgling started...then the hiccups...then the sweaty palms...oh God I was about to blow. I asked the Hostess for a private bathroom and barely made it in time before I started to violently vomit.
After my body ejected the poison I had just inhaled I felt my eyes well up, the tear fall...then the sobbing. I was face to face with my addiction. I was so angry with myself. I felt like a small child taking gulping breaths after a spanking. I forced my self to look in the mirror- eyes red, vomit on my shirt and vowed to myself to remember this moment. My stomach ached, I looked like a troll doll and I reeked. I didn't just fall off the wagon, i rolled down the hill into a valley.
As I was rinsing out my mouth with the Sponge Bob bubble gum toothpaste I found in their children's bathroom, panic set in as I realized I needed an escape plan. I had to go back downstairs!!! I washed my hands...and the spots on my shirt and told them i felt like the flu was setting in. It wasn't a lie, I really did feel like I had been run over by a truck. The Hostess, also a very good mom, produced a ear thermometer out of her Mary Poppins bag and stuck it in my ear before I could protest. Thank god it read 99.9 degrees, an obvious side effect of my ordeal upstairs. We gathered our children from the backyard bouncy house and left before couples game night began. My total lack of self control ended the family fun for everyone. I was humiliated and very sad. As a fattie, just starting to make friends again, this was a very disappointing end to the evening I was so looking forward to.
I refuse to give myself grace on this one, or repeat the cliches we often tell ourselves to feel better. I will remember this night...the night I threw chili dog up all over myself at Family Fun Night!