Thursday, October 8, 2009

Week 15 - Mean Girls- Oct 8th 2009

I confess I was a mean girl. I made fun of girls for their clothes, their hair, their make-up and it continued into high school. I was thin as a child, but due to a severe case of ADHD, I was socially awkward and picked on other kids to draw the attention away from me. In high school I was caught making fun of a girl who was pregnant. The poor girl was in the bathroom stall and I was at the sink with my friends. She came out in tears and I just stood there...looking her in the eyes. Three months later I was pregnant and my battle with weight began. The last 12 years I have been the target of judgment and sideways looks. Karma is a witch! I tried to make amends at my 10 year reunion but that was futile. I think some things are just unforgivable. I have changed dramatically over the years, but I wonder how many of my mean comments are remembered by a girl I no longer know.

My daughter is beautiful; she is physically fit and plays soccer. She has a great sense of humor and is a pleasure to be around. She came home upset because some girls at school had started some rumors about her. I used to think getting pregnant and fat was my punishment for being mean. Now…I can’t help but wonder if Karma isn’t genetic. Could part of my penance include watching my daughter endure the wrath of the new mean girl clique? I know it’s ridiculous. “Girls are mean” I tell her, but how many moms in the 90’s had to utter that same cliché to their daughters after one of my tongue lashings? I tell her to ignore them, knowing that will just fuel the fire. I tell her it doesn’t matter what those girls say, her real friends will love her no matter what, also knowing that a rumor can spread like cancer; causing even her closest friends to ponder the rumor’s legitimacy.

She has started to focus on her weight. She is 5’5” and weighs 114 pounds. She is thin by any calculation. She asked for her own TeamFitness membership and I see her sweating as she runs on the treadmill beside me. She is my biggest supporter and is full of encouragement, but it’s becoming apparent she is at the gym trying to lose weight. My words mean nothing to her. At 15, only the words of the mean girls matter.

I have to be honest, my first thought when she came home and told me about this was to drive over to Baskin-Robbins and talk about the situation over a hot fudge sundae. The ice cream was to make HER feel better, not me…right? Instead, we went to subway and shared a foot-long turkey on whole grain. We then went to Team Fitness and discussed healthy reasons for working out. I shared with her that a good cardio workout released endorphins and would elevate her mood after a bad day, kicking a bag will help her release pent up anger, and that silence on Xena (my elipticle machine) could clear her head and help her come up with good responses to use next time the mean girls came calling.

Today, she came home excited. The mean girl had started in on her in math class. My daughter confidently turned around, and in a voice loud enough for the whole class to hear, asked her “Did you practice that in the mirror? How long did it take you to come up with such a funny comment? Did everyone hear that? She asked if I bought my shoes at a thrift store because they are so ugly! Let’s all sit here and admire how funny she is!” She told me the class was laughing at the mean girl. Her teacher broke it up, but winked at her as she got the class settled down.
I am not sure what is more difficult, being a mom or losing weight, but the two share something in common- small victories. I know she will have bad days and someday her heart will be broken and I think the biggest victory I can achieve as a mom is my daughter sharing her day with me!

My Stats for the week:

Starting weight: 254 pounds
Previous weight: 220 pounds
Current weight: 220 pounds
Current Weight Loss: -0 pounds Grrrrr!!!!
Total weight loss: 34 pounds

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Week 14 - Change Oct 2nd

I lost TWO pounds! It has been a week full of stress and was convinced I had gained weight, but when I stepped on the scale I lost two pounds. I have not been able to get to the gym all week, but I have really been watching my food intake, cutting my calories down to 1500 to compensate for my lack of movement. I am very happy to report I actually turned down a pink frosted shortbread cookie! I have never done that before. The old Lacie would have licked the frosting off and carefully dunked it into my coffee, savoring each light, buttery and delicious bite. My cubicle was filled with the sound of giggles as shortbread was being consumed in mass quantity. I reached in my lunch bag and pulled out my fresh cut cantaloupe chunks. I didn’t even miss it. I would say that is a definite change!

This week, “change” has been the underlying theme. My son and the changes he is going through, my husband getting a lay off notice, my work statement changing this week, yet again…and I am reminded of those motivational posters promoting the ability to embrace change. After a really chilly soccer practice, I came home and took a bubble bath to warm up. I was laying there…basting my stomach sticking out of the water like a Thanksgiving turkey, thinking about my journey. The changes I can see in my body, the changes in my attitude and although I am not there yet, I am proud of the changes I have made in my life.

My top 5 list of changes so far:
I no longer have to unbutton my pants and find a sturdy support to tie my shoes.
I don’t have to soap up my finger and pull until it turns purple to get my ring off.
I can jog up the stairs with a load of laundry.
I don’t have to pretend I need to use the restroom to get out of walking with co-workers to a meeting. I walk just as fast as they do now.
Water is no longer just an ingredient in coffee, I drink the stuff now…a lot…and with out mixing it!

My top 5 list of changes to come:
To be able to wrap myself in a normal size bath towel without the triangle of stomach and thigh sticking out.
To buy a bra with thin straps that doesn’t dig in like a rubber band around a semi filled balloon.
To never…I mean ever…have to find a hiding spot to pull up my panties that rolled down my stomach.
To never have my husband back the car out of a parking spot because another car parked too close and I cant open the car door wide enough to squeeze in.
To have “married couple quality time” with the lights on!

This is my journey. Twice this week I almost quit, I almost gave up, I almost decided the fight wasn’t worth the win. Then I decided to change my mind…to focus on why I am going through this. The seasons are changing which means I’ll need to be more creative with my diet as less fresh fruits and vegetables are available and the weather is getting colder which impacts my outdoor activity some. The one message that is clear this week is I am not changing back, no matter what life throws at me…I can’t…I wont!

My Stats for the week:

Starting weight: 254 pounds
Previous weight: 222 pounds
Current weight: 220 pounds
Current Weight Loss: -2 pounds
Total weight loss: 34 pounds

Week 13- Drugs and Pie Sept 24th

Week 13
Drugs and Pie

I’m just going to put it right out there…being a mom is tough sometimes. We are expected to know every birthday and anniversary of our families…and their families. We are supposed to know pant, shirt and shoe sizes of each child, remember doctor appointments, their friends names and who is dating who, as well as what each child will and will not eat. We drop them off at the lake, take them to practice and shuffle a car full of teenagers to the mall, after we have worked a full day for a boss who doesn’t understand how difficult his “simple” requests are. We do this everyday and it becomes our routine. But every once in while, we have a day that halts our routine…that shakes us to the core…that makes time stand still. A day when we reminisce, recalling the day they were born and vividly remembering holding our fine haired babies and gazing at their tiny fingers in our hands.

I rushed to the ER to find my 16 year old son lying in a hospital bed, eyes closed, and very still. The heart monitor was beeping wildly, lights flashing, displaying a heart rate of 41 as the nurse rushed by me to check his vitals. She told me they were still waiting on the tox screen to know definitively what he took. My son, the boy I grew and taught how to use a fork and tie his shoes, was laying motionless in a hospital bed, hooked to machines, and I had to verify he was breathing. I sat there in the hard plastic chair, a fabric curtain separating my life from the bustle of the ER. The man on the other side of the curtain was vomiting and there was a child screaming somewhere close. I started to pray. I stared at his face and his giant man feet hanging off the end of the bed. I started to cry and found my thoughts wondering back and forth from how did this happen to what type of pie the cafeteria had. Then I became fixated on pie, I craved pie in my core…I was no longer focusing on my son which I recall was a lot easier. The difference now versus 13 weeks ago is that I recognized almost immediately my intention to emotionally eat. I continued to pray, asking for divine intervention for both our addictions. I was relating to my son in a whole new way. I knew I was addicted to the feeling of full, probably the same way my son feels when he is high. I knew my son needed to be admitted into a rehab facility, and recall wishing the insurance companies and employers would recognize food addiction and cover that cost of rehabilitation.

My son is now in detox and he is not happy. I am assured this is a normal phase and as soon as he detoxifies his body and we are speaking to him, not the drugs, he should start engaging in his group sessions. I will be transporting him to Oregon this week to a locked facility. In Washington, a 16 year old has the right to refuse treatment and leave rehab any time after detox… similar to the way I have quit diets after a week. I know this is going to be a difficult journey for him; I know he will get angry or stressed and want to give in. I know it’s going to take a new strength for him to face life’s challenges sober…I will be there for him every step of the way. It will be through tough love and a shoulder he will beat this…the same way I am overcoming my addiction. I appreciate the text messages telling me to get my butt to the gym, and a listening ear when I need to talk. Tough love is tough. Whether you’re the giver or receiver of the words you don’t want to hear, it is the crucial element of any recovery program. I will not enable my son, nor do I expect any one of you to enable me. I may hate you for dragging me out of bed at 4:00am, but I recognize you are helping me get my life back. Thank you.

My Stats for the week:

Starting weight: 254 pounds
Previous weight: 225 pounds
Current weight: 222 pounds
Current Weight Loss: -3 pounds
Total weight loss: 32 pounds

Week 12 -The Wallet - September 10th

Week 11
The Wallet

We had the most fun at the 2009 Aflac Iron Girl 5K event on Saturday. I went with four ladies from Team Fitness and I have to say it was a spiritual event. Green Lake was a sea of pink and the estrogen power could be felt, almost physically, hanging in the air. After we registered, received our super cute race shirts and Quacking Aflac duck, we went shopping. We all bought matching pink fleece Iron Girl jackets that we wore proudly.

17 minutes before the race was to start I felt the water take effect. I ignored it for another 2 minutes when I decided I better go now unless I want to find a bush after Mile 1. The line was hundreds long! The row of Honey Buckets were in constant motion, switching from vacant to occupied every 30 seconds, as I was obviously not the only woman who had carried children and doubting my ability to run and not pee my pants. The sea of people laughed as the Master of Ceremonies announced the race was delayed 10 minutes due to the long lines at the bathroom.

I made it back to my teammates seconds before the national anthem and the race began. I felt the excitement pulsing in the crowd as we inched forward in the shoot, towards the start line. Finally breaking free from the herd, my feet were in motion. I felt like a graceful gazelle leaping through the field, past the Honey Buckets until I was adjacent to the lakes edge. I was running! I trained for this! I knew I was going to beat my Auquafest 5K time of 45:21. The energy around me was infectious- ladies were smiling, husbands were on the sidelines with strollers and “GO MOMMY” signs! There was cheering and a general feeling of pride and power resonating from the runners. Then it happened…In just a matter of seconds I lost control of my breathing…I started gasping for air…I started to panic…I was sure I was going to be the only person in history to suffocate herself while running. I started to walk and sing “The Climb” by Miley Cirus. Not only is this my 100 pound journey theme song, but singing will help to regulate your breathing quickly. As I rounded the bend I saw the glorious halfway point water station. I approached the watering hole, grabbed my Dixie cup of refreshment, and took off again, pacing myself this time with a jog/walk.

I crossed the finish line, arms in victory, with a final time of 44:06. I beat my last time by a 1:15! They called my name “Lacie Carroll- 5K” and the photographer snapped my picture! I was a celebrity! Someone put a medal around my neck and pointed me in the direction of the water. I did it!

I came home to find my husband cleaning out the garage. After some parading around in my medal for a few minutes, I jumped in to help clean up the graveyard for bicycle parts, empty cardboard boxes from birthdays past and the general chaos of sporting equipment “put away” by six year olds.

I found my red wallet hiding in a beach bag from last summer. I was convinced some thug had stolen it. I unzipped my treasure and pulled out my old driver’s license and looked at the weight. It read 235 but I knew I was more like 250 pounds in the picture. I pulled out my old Costco card and studied it. Even through the grainy photograph I could count numerous chins. Then I pulled out the receipts! Oh My GAWD! Nine receipts from fast food joints, 3 receipts for single candy bar purchases at 7-11 and one grocery receipt from Safeway. I scanned the long list of evidence detailing my eating disorder. Three bags of chips, Oreo cookies, break and bake cookies, two cases of pop, pork ribs, ice cream and one bag of Caesar salad to highlight a few of the items. I showed my husband and he started laughing, reminiscing about the good ‘ol days. He misses the Twinkies and beer. He has the metabolism of a fruit fly and has never had to worry about his weight- he has had to make several sacrifices to support me and I love him for the support. But I digress…

It’s been a tough week this week, not due to a major eating holiday or an emotional event, or even stress at work- it’s THAT time! I was Hungry all week! I know that in Week 4 and Week 8 I gained weight due to my cycle. This is week 12 and sure enough I gained 4 pounds! I was like a food vacuum. I stayed on track for most of the week, but hindsight being what it is…realized I may have consumed a few too many “diet” calories. Four 100 Calorie dehydrated Oreo snack packs and two Skinny cow ice-cream sandwiches are still 600 calories. Monday, I couldn’t wait until I was at my desk. I needed to eat breakfast on my way to work. I was craving chocolate at 6:00am. I took the S’more flavor diet bar out of my purse and took a bite. I was hungry! Let me tell anyone reading this thinking about diet bars as a meal replacement- THEY ARE NOT A MEAL! I took one bite and as I pulled it away from my mouth I realized I had eaten half the bar- so I chewed it to liquid form. I continued to take TINY bites from then on…feeling like a squirrel holding my tiny little bar trying to isolate the miniscule flakes of chocolate. I was still hungry! Once I got to my desk I ate a banana and a yogurt...and another 100 calorie snack pack. I was close to 500 calories. It’s been like this all week.

Today as I write this, I am officially past the Week 12 cravings. I am back on track. I had a normal size serving of Total this morning and was completely satisfied. I’ll have my grilled chicken spinach salad with onion dressing for lunch and eat some hummus and pretzels (18 to be exact) for my 200 calorie snack this afternoon. Dinner will be a lean turkey breast with a small portion of roasted red potatoes and fresh green beans. Dessert will only be ONE skinny cow ice cream sandwich.

I challenge everyone to pull out last weeks receipts and really look at what you’re buying…you may be surprised!

My Stats for the week:

Starting weight: 254 pounds
Previous weight: 221 pounds
Current weight: 225 pounds
Current Weight Loss: +4 pounds
Total weight loss: 29 pounds