Thursday, April 8, 2010

Bad Day

Cameron told me when we first starting talking about me writing for him that CrossFit was a family. He repeated that sentiment on our first night, when he explained further that we are part of the family tree, each of us little branches. I guess as he was talking both times, my mind wondered to my previous gym where I would walk in and people would say hi. We would exchange “I’m fine’s” and then I would hop on a machine and complete my workout alone plugged into my IPod or maybe chat with a friend. I knew I was part of a group…but a family? I had not experienced that until tonight.  

My Day…

Have you ever just had one of those insane, horrible, shitty days? I mean a day that begins with snoozing your alarm too long, hitting traffic and finally showing up 45 min late to work, only to arrive to a cluster of chaos. I sat down in my chair and logged on to my computer. Not 15 minutes into some very important documentation, I got the big, red Fatal Exception Error which quickly turned into the Blue Screen of Death. I sat there, just staring at my blank computer screen, the little white curser blinking in the upper left hand corner…like I was going to provide some DOS based direction.. My cubicle mate asked me what was wrong and I said very calmly “I’m screwed” (I may have used a synonym that started with a “F”.) I knew I was facing 2-4 hours at the Boeing Laptop Service Center. My day just kept getting better and better.

After finishing my reports, my Boss came around the corner. He started telling me he would like me to present a project at a meeting to over150 people and to start working on the presentation. No problem. My lead needed me to find him a conference room. I was on it. My co-worker needed performance reports ASAP. Sure, I could help her with those. Until finally it was 3:00 and it was time to head out to my first counseling appointment since my release from the Moore Center. I drove around until I arrived at the address 15 minutes before my 4:00 appointment.  I found parking downtown, searched for the suite in the office building maze and waited patiently for my appointment. My new counselor came out and asked my name. She told me my appointment wasn’t until 5:00pm. I said I entered the appointment in my calendar when I was on the phone scheduling it, and she kinda laughed and said she must have input it wrong in her calendar. She asked if I could wait an hour since her patient she had double booked drove over an hour. Absolutely! I would be happy to. After the door closed I left.

I started to feel hungry. I knew it was my emotional monster creeping in. Then the justification started. The little voice in our head that gives us permission to commit food sins.
“Come on Lacie, you’ve been working hard…GAWD a KFC heart attack bowl sounds so good!”
“OK then…yeah that’s way too many calories, what about a cheeseburger? That has protein and carbs”
“No…good point, the bun is made with white flour…and that is terrible and not on the plan”
“How about a subway…but the line is always sooo long”
I was consumed at this point, trying to figure out how to feed my emotional monster and not sin too badly. The problem was I waited too long to eat and I was starving. Logic was gone and my irrational mind took over.
“Safeway Chinese!” Yes!

I came home, turned on the T.V. and began to eat. I ate the Giant fried eggroll, the giant helping of Chow Mein and two servings of Orange chicken. I topped it off with a Large Pepsi. After I cleaned the little plastic tray I looked down and could not recall a single bite. I had food amnesia. I had just binged. Damn it! My emotional eater voice started in again.
“Oh come on Lacie, you already binged, you might as well purge. Get it out…You’ve been working so hard…you can’t let these calories stay in…it will show on the scale. People are going to expect to see some weight loss”
I tried to fight it. I tried to use the skills I learned. I was too far gone.
“Lacie…get it out” the nagging voice kept repeating. I knew I only had a few minutes to make up my mind, or it would be too difficult to purge.

I caved…I purged. Then felt horrible. I was consumed with guilt. I had been purge free for weeks. I thought I had beaten it. The shame was overwhelming. I could not go to Crossfit. The voice…that strong voice kept saying “you don’t feel good, just stay home…tell Cameron your sick today.” I agreed, I was in no shape to work out. I picked up my phone and searched on the browser for RiverTown CrossFitt for the phone number. I arrived at the website and what slapped me in the face? My LessLacie Blog! Bam!

I found my shoes, grabbed my keys and drove. When I pulled into the parking lot I saw two women lifting weights over their heads. I got out of the car and Cameron asked what’s wrong? I started to tear up as I told him what I had done. He told me I need to sweat it out. Then another woman came up to me and told me she read my blog, then another. Pretty soon I was talking to a whole group of people. I was laughing and getting ready for my workout. My whole mood shifted from feeling sorry for myself, to taking care of my self. The work out was amazing. I am far less sore than I was just two days ago and I felt so strong and powerful tonight. I am enjoying this! The physical demands on my body felt energizing, where as my binge earlier in the evening left me feeling powerless.

Cameron has been modifying the workouts a bit since I have a little ways to go before I am able to lift my body weight into a pull-up. He is encouraging, full of compliments and tough when he needs to be. He wouldn’t let me quit and made sure my form was perfect as I was doing dead lift squats. Yeah…Me…doing dead lift squats!

Thank you to my new CrossFit family. Thanks for the high-fives and the laughter. It was a great class and I am counting the days until my next workout on Monday!


Cameron said...

I luv it! Well put and I am so happy you are enjoying the classes. Keep up the hard work. :-)

Christina Roehl said...

Awesome Lacie! Keep it'll thank yourself later! Good to see you there last night and I look forward to seeing you more...